Yo! Me again. It’s been a while. I’ll be honest, I’ve opened a word document many times over the last month or two but haven’t been able to write anything. I haven’t had much to say. I was going to write about how I think the hard part about hard work isn’t “showing up,” as they say, but having something to say when you do. Being intentional about putting in the good work. I’ll save that for another time.
I’m back to put this thought I had a few weeks ago onto digital paper, and hopefully catch a little bit of the “calm” I’ll talk about here in a second, even if only for a day or two.
At the risk of sounding crazy, I was having a conversation with myself while riding the subway recently. (Yes, I’m one of those.)
During this internal sidebar, I asked myself what I want out of life. I didn’t go with the usual suspects: big houses on each coast, a “fuck ton” of money, or enough financial freedom to cherry-pick projects. Instead, the first thing that came to mind was “calm.” I want the other things too—don’t get me wrong—but a calm mind sounds a lot better when you can’t stop the mental treadmill.
I don’t know about you, but from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep on the couch, I have to occupy myself with something. I think a thousand thoughts before 7am. A lot of them can be categorized into some form of persistent anxiety about achieving something worthwhile or not being left behind. When I relax, I fall behind. When I focus on one thing, I second-guess if I’m using my time correctly. I mean, I could be learning that instead. It’s tiring.
Social media certainly doesn’t help.
When I think about wanting to reach some level of “calm,” it’s in the context of wanting to slow my brain down and be okay moving at a slower pace. Or better engulfed in one topic at a time. We all know that multitasking is a lie, anyways.
It reminded me of a Chinese parable (I eat these up) about a fisherman.
One day a fisherman was sitting by his boat while playing with his child on a beautiful beach, his fishing pole resting against the boat. A wealthy businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. Curious and horrified at the sight of the fisherman wasting the day, the businessman asked, “Why aren’t you out fishing?”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and easily replied, “Because I already caught enough fish for one day.”
The businessman quickly followed, “Why don’t you catch some more?”
“What would I do with them?” replied the fisherman.
“You could earn extra money,” said the businessman. “Then, with the extra money, you could buy a bigger boat, go into deeper waters, and catch more fish. Then you would make enough money to buy bigger, higher-quality nets. With the nets, you could catch even more fish and make more money. With that money you could own two boats, maybe three boats. Eventually you could have a whole fleet of boats and be rich like me.”
“Then what would I do?” asked the fisherman.
“Then,” said the businessman, “you could really enjoy life.”
The fisherman looked at the businessman quizzically and asked, “What do you think I am doing now?”
Amazing. I’m a big fan of this even though I don’t practice what it preaches. The reason, at least that I’ve settled on, is that I think it’s a matter of whether or not I’m willing to be content. Content is different than complacent, but content is still a tricky thing. Why should I be content?
I think that a lot of the anxiety comes from knowing that I’ve been so lucky with circumstances and support in life that I have to make something out of it. I’ve been afforded a lot. I’ve been given so many opportunities that I’ve fumbled at least half of them and I’m still not doing too bad.
Also, I realize this is the most first world problem shit I’ve ever written about and I’m already partially embarrassed. Ha!
I think there is a difference between existing in the “calm” and earning it. I haven’t earned anything yet.
Maybe that Chinese fisherman carved his own boat and made his own fishing poles, and that’s why he’s content. By doing so, he found satisfaction and a purpose for his work.
More than likely, my restlessness comes from me not quite doing what I want to do - or knowing what I want to do. To reference my last read, Range, it’s also possible that I just haven’t created it yet. That I need to tie a few more experiences together (or collect a few more dots) to really craft what that unique work is for myself.
Maybe its just a time thing.
What do you think?
I think calm is achieved at different stages/moments of our lives- and sometimes we don't realize it until we reflect back. I think there's a fear that contentment will lead to being complacent so oftentimes we fill our days with busyness in an effort to be productive so that one day we can be content- it's a bit of a hamster wheel.